Title: Someone’s Getting Fired! …Or Not.
Series: Supernatural and the Cabin in the Woods
Spoilers: SPN - You just need to know who Castiel is. Cabin in the Woods – I tried not to spoil the major plot twists, but this is definitely an SPN AU of a good chunk of the movie.
Warnings: Sexual Situations, some Gore.
Length: 2,987 words
Summary: Team Free Will goes on a job only to find that it’s like a B Movie Horror Title. In short, it’s a piece of cake. This upsets the engineers of this case. That is, until they realize they’ve unintentional set in motion a completely different film genre. (Revised 2020/06/14)
Dean stood alongside his ‘baby’, with his brother on his left and Castiel almost brushing arms with him on his right. The three of them stared at their destination, at which they had just arrived, with stunned expressions (though Castiel’s was extremely subtle, of course).
They were deep in an isolated wood, blanketed by the night. The only sound to be heard was that of the cold breeze rustling the plush leaves. No birds, no bugs, no… nothing. Before them was a decrepit log cabin, which would have seemed vacant if the lights hadn't been on.
Dean let out a long whistle before remarking, “Are we on the set of 'Hell Hazers 2'— Ouch!”
Sam had just elbowed him.
“What?” chuckled Dean as he rubbed his sore ribs, “They plagiarized that dude’s conjuration research, and our sweet cell phone technique, then they made them suck! So why not a location?”
“Dean, this is no time to joke!” snapped Sam as he double checked that his hand gun was loaded. “I mean, we don’t even know what we’re dealing with yet… Cas, you sure this is the place?”
Castiel nodded, never looking away from the cabin. “Yes, I’m sure. Though, I admit that I didn’t expect this place to be so…” He tilted his head to the side. “…cliché.”
“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think Jefferson’s nephew survived… whatever this is,” said Dean as he cocked his gun.
“Dean, I don’t think that was appropriate,” remarked Castiel.
“Sammy…” Dean glared at his brother. “What have you been stuffing the angel’s head with?”
“Manners, empathy, morals… You know, the basics that you never learned,” replied Sam, all but sticking his tongue out at his brother.
“You’ll get it someday, Cas,” Dean chuckled, causing the angel to frown.
“Ignore him, Cas,” said Sam, shooting his brother a 'bitch face'. “So, did you get any more information? Or just the location?”
“Just the location, barely…”
“Barely?!” yelped Dean.
“Yes.” Castiel nodded. “I had to estimate the last known location of your friend’s nephew from where he was last detectable.”
“I don’t follow,” confessed Sam.
“Me neither,” Dean chimed in.
“That tunnel we went through to get here, it's the only way in or out of these woods without supernatural means. But there haven't been any reports of supernatural activity around here, at least not on a scale large enough to explain why the boy and his friends disappeared after passing through that tunnel. In fact, this entire forest is undetectable and I can't seem to figure out why that is.”
“Why the Hell didn’t you tell us that before— ARGH!! “ Dean crumpled to the ground, screaming, when a bear trap suddenly sunk its teeth into his thigh. “What the freaking fuck?!!”
“DEAN!” Castiel was at Dean’s side in the blink of an eye, prying off the rusty contraption and healing the wound, while Sam looked for whoever—or whatever—it was that had hurled the trap at his brother.
“Looks like a zombie redneck,” he said as he fired his gun and blew the brains out of the corpse that had been slowly shambling their way. “I’m starting to think that your 'Hell Hazer' crack was accurate, Dean.”
“A bear trap?!” exclaimed Dean, who was holding it up for a closer look. “I’ll give them this, using a bear trap as a projectile weapon is definitely not cliché.”
“Dean,” admonished Castiel as he hefted the hunter to his feet, “not the time.” The angel pointed toward where the zombie had dropped to show Dean that it had friends. Lots of friends.
Dean picked up his hand gun from where it fell, then swaggered to the trunk of the impala and popped it open. He tossed in his gun and pulled out a couple rifles, which he quickly loaded.
“Catch!” he called out before tossing one of the rifles to Sam. After pulling out two extra packs of ammunition, he slammed the trunk shut. “Let’s gank these bitches.”
“What. The. FUCK?!” exclaimed a middle aged man who was watching the above scene being broadcast live onto a television screen so large that it took up most of the wall. Pully at his red hair in frustration, he spun around in his computer chair to scold his crew. “Who’s the asshole who did the background checks?! The human sacrifices have to meet very specific criteria if we don't want the world to end, people! I mean, come on..."
The man looked back at the screen. He was at a loss for words as he watched Castiel call out to Dean, who ducked out of the way just as Sam blew the zombie away. The trio continued to systematically dispatch each and every zombie with almost effortless ease.
"Not only do these guys not meet a single one of the criteria, but they're also very clearly professionals— Oh my God!" The man jumped back at the sight of Castiel burning a zombie from the inside out with a bright white light JUST by placing his hand on the creature's exposed cranium. "How the Hell did he..? That guy isn't even human, for Christ’s sake! What the fuck is he, anyway?!" He spun back around, staring down his crew expectantly for answers.
The room was silent, except for the sounds of hacking and slashing courtesy of the live feed playing behind the fuming man.
Just as the man was about to completely lose his shit, a faceless lackey spoke up, "Umm... Based on the little bit of visual information we've gathered so far, the only creature that matches is... an angel?"
The man's eye twitched.
"The subject, Dean, did call him an 'angel' before the fight broke out," added another faceless lackey.
"I thought it was just a pet name," a third lackey whispered, not so quietly.
"Yeah," a fourth voice chimed, "this Dean guy is clearly romantically involved with this Castiel."
The third lackey agreed a little too enthusiastically, "Exactly—"
"Quiet!" exclaimed the man before rubbing his temples, as if he were trying to massage away a stress headache. "Angel or not, and sexuality aside, the guy's not human! How in the Hell can you miss— What are you all gawking at now?“
“Uh… Hadley?” said the bespectacled and balding co-worker sitting next to him, as he poked his raging co-worker's arm to get their attention.
“What is it, Sitterson?!” snapped the furious man, Hadley, just before his colleague spun him back around to face the screen once more. “Oh.”
“Now are you absolutely sure that was all of them, Cas?” Dean asked as he stepped inside the cabin, absolutely filthy with dirt and blood.
“Yes," confirmed Castiel, "I scoured the area twice to be certain.” The angel followed the hunter inside, closing and locking the door behind them. Unlike his companion, Castiel was absolutely pristine. Well, aside from the rumpled state of his hair and clothes, but that was how they normally looked.
Dean stripped off his now sticky and dusty leather jacket before tossing it into a corner, all without missing a step. Suddenly, he stopped to spin on his heel so that Castiel, who all too often followed behind Dean more closely than was socially appropriate, would find himself nose to nose with the smirking hunter.
“So…” drawled Dean, “Am I right in thinking…” The hunter slowly trailed the tip of his index finger up Castiel’s blue tie before taking hold of the soft fabric and tugging on it, which brought their faces impossibly closer together. “…that you sent Sammy to investigate the woods, leaving us to investigate the cabin so that you might investigate something in particular— Oomph!”
Castiel seized Dean by the collar of his plaid shirt and smashed their mouths together. He took advantage of the hunter’s surprise to plunge his tongue into Dean’s mouth. After a short, wet and sloppy make out session, Dean pulled back for air.
“Wow. I’ll take that as a 'yes'! Though you really need to learn to use your words— Oomph!”
Castiel silenced him with another deep kiss before replying, “Why? You talk enough for the both of us.”
“Holy Hell, Cas!”
“Dean…” Castiel sighed, and not in the sexy way but in a disgruntled one. “How many times to I have to tell you that I’m not comfortable with that expression?”
“Sorry to tell you this, Cas, but when you kiss me like that, well... I have no control over the expletives I use.”
"Expletives?" Castiel smiled, “I can’t believe that you know that word, much less how to pronounce it.”
Laughing, Dean shoved Cas playfully. “I looked it up especially for the next time you scold me over my choice in expletives, you big— Oomph”
Castiel kissed him again and, laughing into the kiss, they fell back onto the conveniently located couch.
“I smell popcorn! Someone pass me that popcorn! I outrank all of you—" Sitterson passed the bowl of popcorn to Hadley. "Oh, thank you!” said Hadley, just before diving in.
The room was much more crowded now. As more and more of the affiliated divisions within this mysterious organization, and some completely unrelated ones, became aware of what was screening in Hadley’s control room, the more and more people would sneak in to enjoy the show.
“Mr. Hadley! Mr. Sitterson!” an oblivious intern rushed in, squeezing his way through the enraptured crowd to get to the project leaders. “Both Japan and Germany have failed! The guys upstairs want to know how… we are… doing…. What are you guys watching?”
“Relax kid!” said Hadley, eyes still glued to the giant screen as he gestured to the vacant chair next to him, “Have a seat and enjoy the show.”
“But what about—“
“Our project failed right off the hop, son," explained Hadley with an impatient groan, "It's up to our sister programs to complete the ritual and save the world now. I mean, not Japan and Germany, obviously, but the others. So sit your butt down.”
Sitterson quickly got to his feet and pushed the intern into the aforementioned chair before, even more quickly, returning to his own seat.
“If the world ends tonight," Sitterson said as he settled back into his chair, "we should at least enjoy the view.”
The poor, extremely confused, intern sat helplessly next to Hadley as he offered Sitterson the bowl of m&ms who happily accepted the chocolates. Behind them, lackeys three and four were gloating about how they had been right regarding the nature of the relationship between the subjects Dean and Castiel.
“Yeah, yeah… You guys were right, good for you. Now pipe down!” Hadley griped before returning to his popcorn. After a couple of handfuls, a light bulb lit up in his head. He suddenly jumped to his feet and shouted, “Hey! Someone get the wager board! I’m giving 4 to 5 odds that the one in the trench coat is a bottom!” which had lackeys three and four instantly squeal with excitement.
“You’re on!” exclaimed Sitterson, getting to his feet as well. “That guy is so going to top!”
“Boys…” said the head of the Chem department, a petite brunet, as she joined the project leaders, “they totally take turns.”
"I'm with Wendy on this one," the intern chimed in, who was clearly starting to get with the program (he had snagged the bowl of popcorn from Hadley and he was now happily munching on the snacks as he watched the events unfolding on the screen).
The room erupted as everyone placed their bets.
“I’m surprised at how this crappy little shack looks so much better on the inside. I mean, this couch is actually pretty…“
Castiel, who was sitting astride the supine hunter, pulled back with a pout. “Dean, would you like to be alone with the couch?”
“Would you let me finish? Anyway, what I was trying to say is that... Holy crap!" Dean burst out laughing, "I can’t believe the quality of that burn, Cas! Good one!” But the hunter quickly stifled his laughter when the angel glared at him. “Sorry, Cas… I was just trying to say that we might not have to move our activities elsewhere, which is nice.”
Castiel visibly relaxed at that, which Dean promptly took advantage of: the hunter gently pulled the angel down, by means of the angel's trademark tie, into a kiss. It was brief and heartfelt, but not exactly chaste.
“So… Do you agree?”
“Yes,” said Castiel as he pulled back again.
For a split second Dean feared that the angel was contradicting himself, but when Cas started to remove his trench coat he was quite relieved and he leaned back to enjoy the show. Well, a show by Castiel's standards: no extraneous motions, quick and meticulous. It was so Cas that, to Dean, it was a show.
“May I?” Dean asked, running his fingers up the buttons of Castiel's dress shirt.
An interactive show.
“Only if can reciprocate,” Castiel replied, running his hands sensually over the hunter’s chest.
“Like you even have to ask, Cas.” Dean wanted to roll his eyes in mock annoyance, but the feel of Castiel’s fingers through his shirt were sending pleasant shivers up and down his spine which was thoroughly distracting.
“You told me to use my words.” The angel arched a brow.
“Holy H— When did you get so good at flirting, Cas?” Dean asked as he furiously unbuttoned Castiel’s shirt.
“I L-learned it from you, Dean.” Castiel's breath hitched, waiting eagerly for his turn to strip Dean.
“Oh? Are you ‘Hot for Teacher’, Cas?” Dean waggled his brows as he finished with the buttons and pushed the shirt over the angel’s shoulders.
“You always forget the sleeves, Dean,” teased Castiel—well, Dean could tell he was teasing—as he unbuttoned his own cuffs. “I don’t understand the reference, by the way.”
“Oh, Cas…” Dean roughly finished removing Castiel’s shirt. “Keep talking dirty to me.”
“Okay, Dean,” agreed Castiel, though he went quiet as soon as he began divesting Dean of his shirt, the angel was so keen on his task. Cas started undoing the buttons by hand, but by about halfway down the angel's patience apparently ran out because the hunter's shirt suddenly vanished.
“Stop that, Cas!” Dean shivered from the chill of his skin so suddenly meeting the air.
“I’ll stop it when you don’t like it anymore, Dean.” Castiel smiled and Dean melted. “Who’s turn is it, Dean?”
The groans of those who lost the bet filled the room and yet, somehow, the ‘Pay up, bitches!’ from the tiny Chem Department head drowned them all out.
“And I thought the fact that she whips up behaviour altering chemicals and air born toxins in a lab were the only things that made her scary,” squeaked Hadley.
“Amen,” said Sitterson.
"Why do you think I made the same bet as hers?" the intern asked rhetorically. "It's a safe bet."
"Clever lad..." said Hadely, pensively.
Before he could ask about the weird way his boss had just praised him, Wendy was back with his winnings.
"Here you go," she said as she handed the intern his share.
"Hey, Wendy!" Hadley interrupted, "What are the odds that they'll activate the mermaid feature?"
"Uhh..." Both Wendy and the intern seemed really confused by their leader's 'out of the blue' question, but Sitterson just sighed in a defeated manner. "I'd say slim to none, why do you ask?"
"Dammit..." was all Hadley said before sitting back down to watch the show.
"Don't mind him," said Sitterson, "he's just never seen the mermaid before."
"Oh," said the intern.
"Wait, seriously? He hasn't seen her?" exclaimed Wendy in disbelief, which earned a disapproving look from Sitterson. "What I thought everyone's seen her. Haven't you?"
"Wel, yes," Sitterson replied honestly, "But—"
"How about you?" she asked the intern.
Hadley shouted from his seat petulantly, "How about you guys drop the subject so we can focus on the next bet: safe sex or rawdogging?"
“It was your genius plan that brought us here.” Dean smiled shyly, to his everlasting shame. “How about we forget whose turn it is today and have you decide.”
“Very well.” Without missing a beat, the angel captured the hunter’s lips for a long, deep kiss.
“So...” gasped Dean when they parted, “what’s the verdict?”
“I’m going to show you, Dean.” Castiel’s response elicited a frustrated groan from the hunter.
“How have you become such a tease— Don’t you dare say you learned it from me!”
Castiel ignored the half-hearted complaints and slowly undid Dean’s jeans which effectively shut him up. Just as the angel slipped his hand down the hunter’s pants, the sound of a door opening caused the pair to freeze. Both heads whipped around to the front door but it was still securely locked.
“Hey guys! You in there? You won’t believe what I found out— ARGH!!!”
Apparently Sam thought that using the back door of the cabin was a good idea.
The room burst into a chorus of ‘boo’s and various snack foods rained down on the screen.
When the intern suddenly jumped to his feet with a gleeful ‘Woo!’, all heads turned to glare at him. He wilted under the overwhelming hate being sent his way so he quickly, but meekly, explained.
“Italy was successful?”
Hadley rose and clapped an encouraging hand on the poor kid’s shoulder, “You hear that, guys? We live to see another year!” When the room remained quiet after the perfectly reasonable explanation, he added, “Does anyone know if we have a spare facility? We could ‘invite’ these guys back as entertainment. Hell, they might even be the ones to activate the mermaid!”
That resulted in deafening cheers.
"Hell, they might even be the ones who'll finally activate the mermaid for me," he added giddily, knowing full well that no one could hear him.