Title: The Life and Times of Sam Winchester's Laptop
Beta: AnaBRose, stormlyht
Rating: R (lots of mentions of mature content)
Spoilers: If you know Cas then you're good. :D
Length: 5,681 words
Summary:Sam Winchester’s laptop is caught in the whirlwind of two idiots dancing around their love.
Dedication: As always, To my muse, Sailor Shipper. To AnaBRose and stormlyht for the wonderful beta. To bookkbaby who inspired me to write a different ending for this story, one that I think is more creative and better suited for our boys. Thanks, guys!
"Alright, Dean. I just got to the motel," said Sam as he unlocked the door to room 17 of the Lazy B motel. "I'll call if I find anything. Later!"
With a tired sigh he hung up and entered the room. He closed the door behind him and locked it with the deadbolt, the latter giving a conditioned response. After throwing his cell onto the nearest bed, dropping his rucksack next to the door and stripping off his jacket, Sam then went about setting up his laptop. While it booted up, he stretched in the stiff motel chair next to it.
Once he entered his password—dEangetthef*ckoffmylaptopJERK—he did what he always did when he first logged onto his computer: checked the browser history.
These last few months his brother had been pretty good at keeping away from his laptop. Sam's grateful he hasn't had to reformat the drive in so long, but Dean was an addict so just because he's been clean doesn't mean he won't relapse. Sam was used to seeing filthy url names in his history, pop up ads featuring naked women, e-mail spam suggesting porn site subscriptions based on 'his' pre-existing subscription to bustyasianladies.com. Hell, one time he turned on his laptop to find that it had a virus that played a looped audio file of a woman moaning in the throes of pleasure.
Volume maxed out.
Mute option disabled.
That one got them kicked out of the motel where they were staying at the time, which is saying a lot considering how seedy that motel was.
None of this prepared him for what he was seeing now.
twinksluvdinks.com, trousersnakeorgy.co.uk, cumsinbums-boysclub.com, xxxsausagefest.com, cockfights-butnotthekinduthink.com, dickondick.com, bearfucks.com...
There wasn't enough brain bleach in existence.
There really wasn't.
Sam was completely and utterly dumbfounded. He was very much aware that the angel and his brother were gaga for each other—well, except for the two in question everyone knew—but he hadn't realized that the feelings were... sexual.
He shuddered at the sudden graphic visual that last thought evoked. At this point Sam desperately wished brain bleach was a real thing.
He reformatted his drive, sanitized the laptop's case and then took a long shower in an attempt to scrub away the trauma.
Sam emerged from the shower feeling a little better. Only a little. Though the memories were still there, they were now—thankfully—a little hazy. He froze at the sound of his phone ringing.
Blue Oyster Cult.
It was Dean.
Just like that the blessed haze was gone and Sam went braindead for a moment when those traumatic memories very suddenly became clear again. A violent shudder racked his body and cleared his mind enough to go answer the phone.
"Hey... Uh... Dean...." He really couldn't handle talking to his brother at the moment, but to ignore him would mean having to face him in person and that... In the end, answering the phone was the lesser of two evils.
"Sam! Are you okay, man? I've been trying to reach your for an hour!"
"Am I okay?" Sam didn't know whether he should laugh or cry, so he compromised and lied through his teeth. "Yeah, I'm... Fine. Just took a break from my research to take a shower."
"Oh." Dean didn't sound very convinced but didn't press the matter further. "How is that going?"
"How is what going?"
"The research, Sammy. D'uh!"
"The wha— oh right! The research! It's going very slow, yeah..."
"...dude, we're hunting vampires. All we need is to dig up some of the local lore to narrow down the location of their nest."
"...I'm really close. I guess this town doesn't like the internet much." Sam laughed awkwardly before ending the conversation. "I'll call you when I have a location. Bye!"
After abruptly hanging up the phone he tossed it back onto the bed. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then another one. And another one. One last deep breath and Sam was calm enough to turn his computer back on and get dressed while it loaded.
Like Dean had said, it only took about ten minutes for Sam to find the information they needed. He sent a quick text to his brother, not wanting to risk what little piece of mind he had left by calling him and then fell back onto his bed with a deep sigh. He contemplated what to do next, careful not to dwell on recent revelations any longer than absolutely necessary.
It'd been a while since he had had to confront Dean about abusing his laptop. His brother's insensitivity was probably back at full strength by now. On top of that he would be especially defensive considering his... shift in interests. His unnaturally strong denial would be completely ironclad when his sexuality was in question. The only way to even make a dent into that impenetrable wall of denial would be for Sam to catch his brother in the act.
He groaned in disgust. Try as he might he couldn't think of any other way to protect his computer from porn. He would get Dean a laptop of his own, or a tablet of some sort, if that would stop him. But the lazy jerk would just use Sam's laptop if it was the most convenient source of filth at the time. No, Sam had to deal with this problem at the source.
He groaned again.
Why couldn't Dean keep Sam's laptop out of his sex life?
Once Dean confirmed the location of the nest, Sam joined him and together they ganked the son of a bitch. Easy jobs like this were usually considered a reprieve from their normally arduous lives, a blessed chance to relax and try to enjoy themselves. That in itself said a lot about their lives and none of it good. Unfortunately Sam would have to wait for the next 'break' seeing as he had another "job" to do tonight.
Boy did he want to throw up.
The Impala had just parked in front of their motel room door when, before he could chicken out, Sam blurted, "I'm going out for a bit, Dean. There's, uh... There's this wiccan shop nearby I wanted to check out."
Dean, having just turned off his baby's ignition, gave his brother a suspicious look. "It's open this late?"
"It's a new place that caters to hunters. Supposedly open 24/7." Dean wasn't buying it so Sam distracted him. "Do you mind if I borrow the Impala? I should be back in a few hours."
Dean was silent for a moment, searching Sam's eyes for the slightest sign of a hidden agenda. He didn't find anything so he relented, though he was no less suspicious, "Fine. But if I find so much as a scratch on her I'll—"
"Shoot me with your sawed off?" Sam raised a sarcastic brow then snatched the keys from Dean. "I will protect the car with my life and if anything happens I will call you, okay?"
Sam's teasing seemed to alleviate some of Dean's concerns so he got out of the Impala chuckling, "Nerd!"
"Yeah, yeah..." Sam waved off his brother's teasing as casually as possible, seeing as on the inside he was freaking the fuck out.
He settled into the drivers seat and waited until his brother had locked the motel door behind him. He then turned the ignition back on to park the Impala only a few blocks away.
Sam's plan was simple but no less disturbing.
He’d left his laptop on the table back in the motel room, plugged in so Dean would think he just left it out to recharge. Sam 'conveniently' forgot to log off. The webcam was now hooked up to his smartphone so Sam just waited for his brother's ugly mug to show up on his phone's screen. It was a very nerve wracking thirty minutes but, as expected, Dean eventually hopped onto Sam's laptop.
The second Dean was on the laptop, Sam revved up the Impala and gunned it back to the motel. After all, he didn't want to give his brother enough time to... Settle on a website.
Trying to banish that horrific thought from his mind he burst into their motel room. "Good God, Dean! Not again— what the hell are you watching?!"
Sam thought that discovering that his brother watched gay porn on his laptop was as traumatizing as it could get.
Sam really, really hated being wrong.
"Sam?!" Dean jumped up to hide the monitor though it was already too late. "I was... Uhh... Doing research?"
Though now obscured by Dean's torso, the images were forever burned into Sam's memory. At first he thought Dean was watching his usual Japanese cartoon porn. That was until he realized that, though one of the characters had a very beautiful effeminate face, both characters had male torsos. No jumbo sized cartoon breasts to be seen. However they both had—
"Now you're watching GAY Japanese cartoon porn on my computer?!" he roared, pushing his way past Dean to snatch his laptop and hug it protectively against his chest. "Wasn't plain gay porn enough for you?!"
"What? No! Of course not—" Dean started to deny so very badly until the full extent of Sam's word sunk in. "Wait... What do you mean by that?"
"By that! What do you mean ‘plain’?"
Quickly putting away his poor abused laptop into his bag and out of harm’s way, he ground out, "I checked my browser history today..." Sam shuddered in disgust before standing tall and staring down his brother. "I know you've been watching gay porn on my laptop and now you're watching gay Japa—"
"I'm not watching gay porn, Sam!"
"How can you say that when I just saw—"
Dean was suddenly tomato red. "Look. I've never seen... Plain gay porn and—let me talk, okay?—I've never watched that stuff until today. There was a link, it looked hot, how was I to know that—"
"Bullshit! You knew exactly what it was!"
"No I didn't! You saw the face! Don't tell me you didn't think he was a girl too!"
"I did, but that doesn't mean you didn't know—"
"Guys..." Suddenly said a deep nervous voice.
Not having noticed Castiel popping into the room the Winchesters nearly jumped out of their skins when he spoke up.
"Holy shit, Cas!" Dean gasped. "What did we tell you about knocking?!"
"That I should do that?" said Castiel, not completely confident that he had the right answer.
"Dean,” Castiel said sternly to stop the reprimand which was impeding his explanation. “I came here to clear Sam’s misunderstanding."
"Misunderstanding?" Dean asked, not with outrage but with genuine confusion. After all, how could an angel of the lord possibly know anything about the Winchesters current spat? Hell, Dean Winchester didn’t even know what was happening!
Realization dawned on Sam and you could see it in his eyes. "No..." Sam's suspicions were confirmed when Castiel broke eye contact guiltily, though the hunter himself still vehemently denied them. "B-But it can't be you! You're an angel!"
"Ha! I told you I didn't—" Dean's expression went blank when he clued into who the true culprit was. "Holy shit, Cas was looking up the gay porn?!"
For Castiel, breaking eye contact in general was a sign of guilt, but refusing to initiate eye contact with Dean freaking Winchester... He might as well be heralding the start of another apocalypse.
"No... No way..." Dean may be oblivious, the king of denial even, but even he knew all of the above to be true.
"Well... In a"—Sam shuddered—"strange way it makes sense..."
"What?!" Dean exclaimed, his voice an octave higher than normal.
Castiel merely raised an intrigued brow.
"Well..." Sam couldn't believe he was about to rationalize this situation, that he actually understood this ludicrous situation, but here he was. "You say you didn't—"
"I didn't, Sam!" Interrupted Dean, as hyper defensive as Sam had anticipated. "I'm telling you, I didn't do it! Dammit, I learned to delete the history long ago so if I had done it, which I didn't, you wouldn't even know—"
"Wait! Stop right there!" Sam shot his brother a suspicious glare and Dean froze, realizing his slip. "What did you just say?!"
"Uh... Nothing.” Dean wasn’t sure which was worse: Sam thinking he was gay or Sam finding out that he had been using the laptop behind his brother’s back. “Nothing! Except that I'm innocent!"
"What did you mean by 'history', Dean?"
"Shut up, Cas," growled Dean.
"I think he's referring the browser history which stores all the urls—" Sam shook off the bitch face he was directing at his brother when he realized he was distracted. "Dammit! That's not the issue right now"—Sam shot Dean a glare that said 'we'll discuss this later'—"If Dean didn't do it and I definitely didn't do it so that only leaves..."
"No way..." said Dean finding it harder than Sam did to accept the math, as logical as it was. "No freaking way! Maybe some gay ghost borrowed your—"
"Dammit Dean!" Sam exclaimed. He was so done with his brother's stubbornness.
"Sam's right, Dean." The older Winchester paled at Castiel's confession. "I did in fact look up gay pornography on Sam's computer. I'm sorry for any inconvenience—"
"I-inconvenience?!" Sam sputtered incredulously.
"Why the fuck would you do that, Cas?!"
"Well... I was curious about, as you put it, fuck—"
"Oh my fucking God! Everyone stop!" Roared Sam, forcibly putting himself between his brother and the angel to act as a physical barrier between the two. His breaths, heavy with frustration and anxiety, were quite audible in the strained silence that ensued.
"You." Sam turned to Castiel, pointing an accusatory finger. "You looked up gay porn on my laptop?"
Castiel nodded affirmatively.
"And you." Sam whirled about to jab an accusatory finger at Dean's chest repeatedly. "You freaking jerk! You looked up gay anime porn on my laptop?"
"No!" growled Dean, smacking his brother's prodding finger away. "No, I...Well... Technically I— It doesn't count if they look like girls!!!"
Sam ignored his brother's useless rambling to collect his belongings—bag, jacket and keys—and stormed over to the door.
Clutching the bag protectively, Sam opened said door and shouted over his shoulder, "I'm leaving. I'm getting another room and staying there tonight. You two are staying here and—so help me—you will talk this out! Then you will leave me AND my laptop out of your personal lives!!" With that he left, slamming the door behind him.